If you read my first post of 2018 you know that my one and only resolution this year is to nurture myself and others.
It’s a month in…
So, how’m I doin’?
In some ways, I’m doing very well.
- I’m calling my dad every single day just to say hello and let him know he’s in my thoughts. As you may remember, he had a fall about six weeks ago and is in a rehab hospital. It is sooooooooooo slow-going. For him and for all of us who love him.
- I’m also checking in with Mom a couple of times a week because she could (easily) be pushed aside in the worry and bustle with dad’s recovery. She’s not a youngster anymore, either, and has health concerns of her own. Even though she seems very strong, she must be scared shitless. It’s not every day your partner of 50+ years has life-saving (and possibly life-ending) falls and surgeries. Plus, she’s the natural advocate for his care. It’s a lot on her shoulders.
- I was able to save enough money from my part-time job to buy a ticket to visit my parents in February. I haven’t seen them in person for five years!
- I’m giving my adult children space. This is a big deal since I’m a bit of a… um… what do they call me?… oh yes, a smotherer. They love me, don’t get me wrong. But my penchant for worry has been a bit… well, it’s already been said… smothering.
- I went out and bought myself new cosmetics. This may seem like no biggie to most women. For me, I have a love/hate relationship with all-things make-up. And by “love/hate” I mean, I put it on or I don’t. Often, don’t. Love me as I am has been my motto. However, I have noticed that not only do I look fresher, younger and more alive when I do take the time to put it on, I FEEL better about how I’m facing the world. Win/win!
- I’ve read two new fiction books in their entirety this month! I’m hoping to get to a book a week. I also listened to a biography in my car, to and from work. I love to read but haven’t always taken the time to do it.
Among the more difficult things I’m learning to do…
- I’m giving my husband the space and room he needs to deal with an ongoing difficulty that I almost-always butt my… uh… butt into. It is something that (truly) only he can handle. If he asks for my opinion, I’ll give it. Otherwise, it’s his to deal with.
- I’m using my lovely lotions and potions about 50% of the time… not 100% as I’d like… but also not 0% as I was.
- My daughter sent me some eye cream to try for my birthday and I’m using that at the same time, too.
- I’m using our lovely “sitting room” for no darned good reason. I turned the second bedroom into a sitting room with a big, comfy chair, music, journals and pretty things. I turn on the salt lamp and light my pine-scented candles. I look at all the neat things in that room, including the “never-ending” glass rope my husband bought on one of my recent birthdays. It’s the photo I’m featuring today. It represents our love, of course… but also what I wish for the world. What can I say? I’m a dreamer.
And yes, there’s one place where I’m failing miserably.
- All-things food. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment about this. My husband and two of my closest friends are doing really well. I’m happy for them but… I hate to admit it… am envious. I want them to have it… but I want to have it, too. I know I said the struggle is real (and it is!) but dammit, I’m discouraged. It’s cold, it’s dark, and it’s the time of year I want most to comfort myself with food. Just don’t do it doesn’t work for me. To say I need a plan is an understatement. I need a muzzle.
I hate to say I’m failing because it’s a word fraught with meaning for a perfectionist like me (especially at work). At home, not so much, as evidenced by the dusting and vacuuming that needs to be done at this moment. But the point is, I have failed. I’ve looked at the reasons for it from every conceivable side. It comes down to this.
I’m resentful about the fact that I can’t just eat. Also, I want to have control. Don’t you dare tell me what to do (or eat – or not!)
I need to get the eff over myself.
And celebrate my successes!