“Humans are pattern-seeking story-telling animals, and we are quite adept at telling stories about patterns, whether they exist or not.” Michael Shermer
My very first blog post was written on January 1, 2013, on my blog called Gratitude Zone. I picked a beautiful photo I’d taken of a pathway meandering around the lake. I knew that I wanted to focus on gratitude, hence the name. Der, right?
With the benefit of hindsight, I now realize that 2013 was the “year between”. Between what? Let me tell you.
In 2011, my (then) 26 yr. old son (with autism) drove off a cliff. On purpose. There’s a long story surrounding it and now is not the time to revisit it. Also, I feel that the story is mostly his to tell, although as his mother, I have my place in it, too, as all mothers would understand. (And upon second thought, the story is also short: He wanted the pain to stop.) He lived but was never the same. None of us were.
In 2014, I left my long-term sales job, joined the humane society as a cat center manager (my dream job) and within weeks, my oldest daughter went through a divorce and moved in with her dad and her brother. Her sister (my youngest daughter) had her first child, my precious grandson. Their dad, my ex-husband, died of a massive heart attack after coming home mid-afternoon and saying he didn’t feel well. My oldest daughter was then diagnosed with cancer.
I went to California in a tornado of conflicting emotions and ended up staying longer than expected. When the dust settled, several weeks later, I left the humane society job. I was then-55 and unemployed.
That all occurred within ten weeks.
If I’m honest, much of my life has been like this. Crisis + Emotional Upheaval = Self-sabotage. Though, I never seemed to realize it at the time. I make decisions based on feelings… that feel… so real. For instance, there were things going on at the Humane Society that under normal circumstances, I’d have risen above, especially for my dream job. I can see that now. But none of that matters now. Or does it?
What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. Chuck Palahniuk,
Huh. Anyway. 2013. The Between. Patterns.
I was searching for gratitude, trying to help myself but knew I’d need help, too… so I reached out to my doctor, therapists, a psychiatrist and even a tarot card reader (though, yes, that was mostly for fun!).
A friend and I were chatting the other day and I was reminded of another job I lost, many, many years ago.
Another diet – among hundreds – I failed.
Another relationship, ended.
Was I (or my choices) the common denominator? Kinda looks that way.
It’s so easy to blame myself. I know I can take it. I’ve taken it all my life.
There’s a whole “thing” about that, too. How I’m bigger than life in some ways and demure in others, wanting appreciation but not public accolades.
How I so desperately want to be seen, heard and accepted… but validation at the expense of vulnerability? No thanks.
And that is why I wrote my first blog for three or four months and then destroyed it. It was too real, like a journal. Too much of myself was seen.
Then, I wrote a second blog, second verse, same as the first. Destroyed it.
Third blog, blah, blah.
Creation. Destruction. In blogs… in life.
Now I’m here.
I like this blog. I think I’m building something kinda neat here. On solid ground. No more floating around alone. I think I’ll stay.