Bio Moment – I miss her

Today’s featured photo is the one I’d hoped to use on my book jacket. You know, when I became a famous author, like Jessica Fletcher. (Seriously, look at the link, if you’re a Murder She Wrote fan… it’s great!) And yes, I know she’s just a character, but dang, as an (ahem!) older woman who is trying to reinvent her life, I mean, c’mon… who wouldn’t want to emulate Jessica?

But back to reality.

Guys, I’m having a tough time.

There, I said it.

*sigh*

I’ve been trying to figure some stuff out and … and…

*thud*

(That’s me, falling on my ass.)

Putting myself out there… and by that I mean, online… not just by writing here but all the social media stuff… most of all, YouTube… Lord-y..  is so freakin’ scary.

I’ve been watching YouTube videos for about two years now. It may interest you to know (or not) that I enjoy makeup tutorials (even though I wear very little makeup) and haircutting vids most of all. I also like to watch entrepreneurial peeps and (not surprisingly) self-help stuff.

That said, when I thought about beginning a YouTube channel, there were some things I knew I’d never be able to compete with (and didn’t want to) like instagram brows and beautiful young women who just plain look fab without ever opening their mouths. If they’re smart and funny, too… all the more reason to enjoy watching. Me? My claim to fame (if there was any to be had) would be… uh… well, see… uhm. Yeah.

I just wanted to put a little something positive in the mix once a week. A five-minute blurb of “Hey, Hi! Ever thought about this?”

Am I succeeding? Yes and no. And here’s why. I both want and don’t want people to see my videos. It is such a vulnerable place to be. And to be honest, had my friend Tom not suggested it, I’d never, ever have done it. While I really DO think I have something of value to say, I don’t have the star quality needed…

Except.

When this photo was taken… in about 2012-13, I think… I remember thinking… I look like an author. I look kind. And wise.

I had recently gone to gray and did it the way I do a lot of things… all in one foul swoop, by cutting off my hair. I’d also recently gone through some tough stuff with my son’s suicide attempt and come out the other side. I was settled in my job. Life was comfortable.

Oh, and I had two all-but finished novels in my computer.

What happened? Well, uh…

They’re both lost.

A near (if not full-fledged) breakdown in 2014 and two computers later, they’re just…

*poof*

Gone.

I don’t remember getting rid of them. But I must have.

I should have let you know in advance that this was a pity party, eh? Sorry.

I’m just out of sorts. And feeling… naked… out there… here.

And…

I miss her.

The one smiling back at me from that photo.

She doesn’t exist anymore. Now I’m this.

And this space is my novel.

Life is all about changing. I’ve written about it a dozen times and I’m feeling so lazy I don’t want to get the links and you can’t make me.

Am I depressed? Anxious? Angry? Projecting? Over-thinking? I honestly don’t think so.

I think I’m just scared.

9 comments

  1. Just saw this today: FEAR: Face Everything And Rise. I’m in my own very fearful space. I’m so admiring of you that you are taking your fear public. We can’t change what we can’t see and can’t articulate. You are miles ahead of me!

    Be well, friend. You can do this!!

    Rebecca B. Smith

    beccag59@charter.net

    541.944.6339

    “The heart of the matter is the truth”

    Liked by 1 person

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