Let’s talk about depression and anxiety and writing a blog about self-help. Let’s talk about reading hundreds – possibly tens of hundreds – of self-help books but at times, feeling like you haven’t learned a thing at all. Let’s talk about knowing what is best to do to keep your health above (or at least AT) par and doing the exact opposite. Let’s talk about how good it would feel to hibernate under flannel sheets (with cats, of course) and come back out in April, possibly May. Oh yes, let’s talk about me.
Most people would never share – let alone TAKE – a photo like the one accompanying this blog post. I literally snapped it two minutes ago. I look like shit. Pride? What pride? But you know, it’s not about pride… it’s about authenticity. It’s about being honest. It’s about being human.
My house is a mess and so am I. I’m about as far away as from what I *want* to be as a person can get. Maybe not on the inside… or maybe so. After all, my self-help books tell me that our houses represent self. Messy house, messy mind, or something like that.
Here it is, January 20… days away from the new year that I was looking forward to. Why? Two reasons. 1. Holiday season over. 2. Plans for the next year. 2019 is MY YEAR. Do I say that every year? Okay, yes. But this year, I really believed it! If the last twenty days have been any indication, I’m doomed.
I’m probably depressed and that pisses me off more than I can possibly convey in writing, unless I were to write THIS FUCKING DEPRESSION PISSES ME OFF. Except… yeah… or, no… it didn’t help. Instead it brings a level of shame. I’m embarrassed. Here I am, calling myself The Self-Help Whisperer. Whisper, indeed, because that’s all I can muster at the moment.
Let me tell you about the other day, when I went to buy myself something special. We have a really nice drug store that has a selection of everything-beauty that you would need, from cosmetics to bath to … well… obviously, legal drugs. Ha! Anyway, I had found my very favorite bath gel that I can’t find anywhere else in Canada… it’s called Vitabath. It’s the original scent and honestly, I can’t believe they’ve now come out with a half-dozen more. The original is still the best and totally unique. It reminds me of my mother and grandmother, as they both used it. *bliss*
Anyhow, I was walking down the aisle to buy the bath gel and some other self-nurturing things when I noticed a blood-pressure monitor that you can purchase, not to be confused with the tester, back by the pharmacy. As you may recall, I have hypertension and am on medication for it. My doctor has been bugging me to buy one to use at home, since every time she measures it, I freak out and nobody can tell what my resting pressure is… anxiety, you know. I haven’t yet bought it because 1. My arm is too fat to fit comfortably in most cuffs and 2. They’re pretty expensive and 3. I have health anxiety and the minute I put the thing on, my blood pressure skyrockets. I doubt I could measure it accurately, anyway.
BUT THEN! I noticed they have one for your wrist and it is far less expensive! Like, half the price! Two reasons down!! So, I pick it up, I read the box. I set it down. I pick it up. I call my husband. I ask his opinion. I put it down. I walk away. I go back. And onward this went for fifteen minutes. In the end, no, I didn’t buy it. But I know it’s there and I definitely will. One day.
This weekend, there was a big storm, so I comforted myself with the knowledge that nobody expected me to do anything away from the house. PJs, soup, a few loads of laundry and some good books… and maybe, I’d get around to the organizing that I’ve promised myself to do once I got back on a regular schedule.
- I did not make soup.
- I haven’t even eaten yet today. It’s nearly 2pm.
- I read 30 pages of one book.
So, yeah, I’m feeling like a self-help fraud today. Don’t tell me I’m not… I promise, I’m not looking for validation that I do more than I think I do or I’m better than I think I am. I know that already. Honestly.
The reasons I write posts like this are simple: Do you feel like this? Ever? Do you think everyone else has it all together and you suck? Are you afraid to share the truth because you’ll disappoint people? Do you sometimes feel out of control and wonder how you’ll face the next moment, let alone the next day, next month or next year?
Yeah, me too.
That’s why I write posts like this.