I’m going to keep this short and sweet since I’ve already created this post three times… and no, not just in my head. Ha. Ha. You’re so funny!
I decided to make a YouTube video. So, I did it, I went right to YouTube and made the darned thing. It wouldn’t load. It kept saying I wasn’t online when I was CLEARLY online, dammit. Gad, I hate computer issues! Nothing – and I mean nothing – gets me from zero to 60 faster than the computer. But I digress.
So, silly me went and filmed it on my phone instead. Then I tried to download it to YouTube from there. FAT CHANCE. Strike two.
YouTube was just as I remembered: Impossible!
I also tried to download it directly here. Um, there was an empty post with no links. Awesome.
Finally, I tried to do a YouTube Live thing. I figured I had the spiel committed to memory what with the three times a charm thing. Turns out, I had to sign up for it, which I did, and then found out I have to wait 24 hours for some verification before I can use it. Oh, for crying out loud!
So, what was so important? Well.
I recently committed myself to something I knew in my heart was wrong for me. It might have been perfect later. Just not now. But I am a people pleaser. I thought I’d dealt with that one already. I thought I’d overcome. Ha! And because I am, I agreed to it against my better judgment.
So, because I did that, I created a big effin’ mess that could have caused a rift or worse, ended a friendship. Why? Because I backed out after the fact and by then, I was overwhelmed and frustrated – mostly with myself.
I also disappointed my friend, who loves me in spite of it but seriously, all of this could have been avoided!
Why do I do this?
It reminds me of another situation…
What you need to know in advance is that a function of my anxiety is a kind of germophobia relating to food. Because of it, I find it almost impossible to eat food other people prepare. Oddly, I’m still fatter than holy hell. Go figure. But I digress.
Potlucks are absolute torture. Weddings used to be okay until regular people got into the cake-making business. The thought that someone’s un-gloved hands have been all over the fondant… yee gads… shudder.
I’ve tried to reason with myself for years and sometimes, am able to talk myself through it but usually not. To be clear, I literally gag.
So, you can imagine how it goes when one person’s way to show love to another is to cook food… and I’m the one they’re cooking food for… and it’s already humiliating enough just feeling like I do, let alone talking about it (I mean, this is the first time I’ve even talked about it here, for crying out loud!).
Now, where was I?
There’s a friend who has invited me to eat several times. Everything in me is screaming to just decline the invitation or trust them with this bit of info… but instead, I tell myself that *this time* I’ll get through it. I’ll just go. Except, I get so sick worrying about it that I have to cancel because I’m actually sick. Over and over again.
I am a People Pleaser who ends up NOT pleasing people. In fact, I hurt them.
How does that even happen? It’s SO not my intention.
Also, just so you know, I have a headache after sharing this with you.
I keep thinking that I’ve grown. I have learned to speak up and make boundaries and do it all kindly, which is my ultimate goal.
Instead, I create fissures and hurt people because I can’t just say my truth.
And I know I need to cut myself some slack. As usual.
PS: So much for “short and sweet,” eh?