Easy like Sunday – Pushing through…

It’s been a rough week. I’m saying this – right off the hop – because I’m going there. So, if you’re in the mood for fluffy what-nots and rainbow unicorn farts then this is NOT the place for you today. Tomorrow? Maybe.

I’d been doing fairly well, I thought. Like…

  1. I finished writing my Children’s (middle-grade) chapter book. This is no small feat as I’ve been writing it off and on for… like… fifteen years. I wouldn’t have finished it now except my childhood friend (Hi Kaden!) challenged me to finish it before month’s end, which I did. I even made an “Author’s Page” on this blog. Wanna see it? It’s HERE. (9/8/2019 Edit: I removed the link and put it all on my front page.) You can read a little blurb about the story, too. I’m in the editing stages – and gathering together a list of possible publishers. It’s exciting and scary and wonderful.
  2. I listened to my husband who (rightly!) suggested I visit our local employment insurance / pension office. As you might imagine, leaving a job also means leaving a paycheck. Duh, should have thought of that. Kidding. I had. LOL So, I went, which was nearly painless and I actually found out some important stuff!  But then comes a big ol’ story about weighing the options of taking my pension (at 60, which you can but shouldn’t) and opting to go with unemployment, under very trying conditions (more on that below) over which I have no control. Well, some. Maybe. Yet to be seen. So, it was a good – then not so good – experience.

Now for the other stuff:

  1. See #2 above because it also belongs here. It’s the “very trying conditions” I mentioned. I don’t like/ detest/ hate/ will do pretty-much anything to avoid conflict and there’s plenty to go around in this situation. On top of that, it’s about my life and a wrong decision (or wrong turn) could affect (quite literally) the rest of my life. And it’s still ongoing. Ugh.
  2. I began my yearly (anxiety-ridden hell-on-wheels) “health tests” circuit. The hypochondriac (me) who also has health anxiety (not for the tests themselves- it’s the results which will – no doubt – tell me I’m not long for this world) is not amused. The first two tests are complete with good results. Next test two days from now. One to follow, along with the prep and surgery for my hand.
  3. My car – my dear Ruby – is stuck in the driveway. We all know how hideously expensive ($$$$!) car repairs are! Need I say more on that? I miss my daily forays into the actual world to get my {sitting next to) water fix and photos for Instagram. I’ve resorted to taking too many photos of our cats (is there such a thing?)! Someone stop me before I lose all my non-cat friends! LOL
  4. Speaking of cats, our Bette is being tormented by our Hannah. Bette is a 10+ year-old black “British Short Hair” and Hannah is a black-and-white “Mask and Mantle”. Aren’t they adorable? Both are luv bugs in their own ways. Also, Hannah is a terror. And so completely precious that I can’t stand it. Why can’t they get along? Bette is now so upset that she keeps getting UTIs! It’s not like we can (or want to) lose either one of them but this is getting ridiculous!These girls are a part of our family! It’s like two rival, snotty, snipping sisters!! *sigh*
  5. It’s very, very, very humid outside, which makes it difficult to breathe with my asthma and allergies, so walks are out of the question.
  6. Oh, and I’m still fat. So, there’s that.
  7. In other news, the world is a scary place right now. I just watched the coolest video with slides of all the world leaders set to John Lennon’s Imagine. I literally wept. I posted it on FB and nobody has liked it, which makes me feel very alone. Not hurt, not angry, just… alone. Like, am I the only one who wishes we all saw each other as fellow human beings? I know I’m not… but sometimes, it feels like it.

Anyhow, I woke up the other day and this went through my head: Shit, I’m depressed. And then… Fuck. (Sorry! I resort to the F-bomb for moments like this.)

This irritates me. No, it infuriates me. Though, I shouldn’t be surprised. My nails are bitten to the quick, bleeding and sore, I’m barely able to get out of bed, and am tired even when I do, I feel ugly and smelly and the LAST thing I want to do is talk to people! I want to hide in an air-conditioned pool house next to a sparkling in-ground pool and read the book I’m halfway through. (And no, I don’t have any of those things – well, except the book!)

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Dang, since I mentioned the book, let me tell you what it is: The Sherlockian by Graham Moore.  I especially like it because it’s so out of my wheelhouse and completely takes my mind off anything else. No deep meanings — well, a few, actually. I can’t help myself! — but NO stopping to take notes about a quote that touched me. I like Arthur Conan Doyle (and Sherlock Holmes) and the story is compelling, so I need to pay attention. And yeah, there’s murder. What could be better?

Anyhow, where was I?

Pool house. *bliss* I wish.

I’m feeling discouraged. And I’m sick of taking medication. I hate mental illness. It’s just amazing how you can live such an “almost” normal life and at the same time feel crippled by (this asshole) depression.

Whenever I write something like this, I want to stop and count my blessings. I’m a big believer in Karma (both literally – like after death… and here on earth). I don’t want all this bad stuff floating around and without some good to offset it. So, to end this post, I will say this:

I am thankful for my darling husband who is doing his best to support us (and me, personally) through this difficult time, my children who love me in spite of myself, my grandson who grabbed my heart at his birth and hasn’t let go, my spectacular parents who have shown me what commitment and grace look like, our cats with us now and those who have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, our home, which has issues but for the most part, keeps us safe and warm (or on days like today, cool) with food in the cupboards and a soft bed at night. I thank God for this beautiful earth with such bounty. And, I am thankful for my dear friends and also for you, my readers.

There.

Does writing all that make the depression go away?

No.

But it doesn’t hurt anything, either.

 

4 comments

  1. Wow! Thank you so much for your thoughtful, kind and helpful response! I know you’re right. I need to unplug – FOR SURE. I’ll let you know how it goes! 🙂 Again, thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!

    Like

  2. Firstly, congratulations on finishing up your book manuscript. It sounds delightfully mythical and I look forward to seeing it on shelves.

    As for the bad stuff…well I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through all these trials. I know it’s a cliche, but they say that suffering is like a furnace that tempers us into pure gold. But then again, having read your blog, you probably already know that and have seen growth in you life through worse trials. I’ll pray for you that things will get better. You’ve been through worse than this, you’re a strong personality.

    I can add some practical advice for the last part however. This is advice I give to a friend of mine who has a tendency to fall down the news/geopolitics/the-world-is-going-to-hell rabbit hole into depression and anxiety. Just unplug. Do it in a bite-sized chunk, maybe ignore all news for a week.

    The idea is this: take a page from Roman Emperor and all-around good guy Marcus Aurelius and take action on the things you can change while learning to ignore the things you cannot. This is the exact same thing I tell my friend, and it works when he listens to it.

    Yes, it will be hard to unplug from news and social media in general. We humans have an insatiable need assert our will on reality, and this manifests through our modern addiction to news: knowledge is power, as they say. But will reading about some new thing Trump tweeted or some new innuendo about Russia or some complaint about Justin Trudeau actually help you or I? I posit that the answer is no.

    Maybe, if you really don’t want to feel out of the loop, let yourself keep up to date on local news. Just remember that old adage, “If it bleeds, it leads,” and remember that news will tend to have a negative bend on things. Decide for yourself if it’s worth it. But at least local news might fall into that sphere of “things you can change”.

    I’m not really a self-help expert or even a good armchair psychologist. But hey, if it’s advice on the human condition that worked for nearly 2 thousand years, it’s worth taking a look at. Contrary to popular belief, we aren’t all that different from out ancestors…

    I hope it helps. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Girl, you’re strong! And awesome! And Tess’s story (the first in a series) is amazing! Keep moving forward. If only a half step or stumble at a time. I’m trying to catch up.

    Liked by 1 person

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