For those following my schedule, per Sunday’s post … yesterday was my meeting with Aly, the life coach and tomorrow is my meeting with MB, the intuitive animal communicator for business advice.
I was … I thought … very calm as my appointment with Aly drew closer. I can never be sure when my anxiety will peak and this seemed like the kind of situation where it *might* so I got everything ready ahead of time. I had water and kleenex and my computer was ready because it was to be a video conference thingy. Ten minutes before the 11am meeting, I started sweating. It didn’t help that it was a brutally humid day and the heat was absolutely … wet. Seriously, it must have been 90% humidity and in fact, rained like a bugger (and cooled down) over the course of the afternoon and evening – and in fact, it’s lovely and rainy outside today. Easily… 20 degrees cooler. For real. But I digress, as always.
By the time Aly got online, I needed a washcloth for my face. Not a great beginning for me… but I figured she’s a professional and could handle it. 🙂
After the hello’s she asked some questions and we determined that my main concern (for discussion and direction) was money, or rather the lack thereof.
Ah yes, my old friend and nemesis, the almighty dollar.
And so, she asked questions and I answered in my usual barf-out-my-life way. Over and over I said I didn’t *deserve* money and “screwed up* and *got what I deserved* for my *bad choices*… and when it wasn’t something I did… I was simply *a victim* of someone else, like my ex-husband who bought two houses 18 months after the divorce when we’d never bought a house together.
On and on I went… talking and sweating, like a whirling dervish. <<<I even compared myself to one! Like, out loud to Aly.
It was then that something pivotal happened and I didn’t even realize it until an hour later.
Here goes: I was talking and talking and sweating and talking and suddenly, I saw myself. See, we were on video conferencing – she was on the bottom and I was on the top, smaller but clearly visible. I was telling the same-old OLD OLD story that I’ve been telling for YEARS about the infidelities in my first marriage, my son’s suicide attempt, 2014: the year of pain and loss… and … and… and…
I SAW MY FACE
as I shared it all
as if for the FIRST TIME.
Now, to be clear, lots of wonderful things occurred afterward and some of what we touched on will affect me – and you, dear readers – as I have made some decisions. More on that in a moment.
This thing – this REALIZATION about the stories I’ve been telling for years… AND STILL TELL… all these years later… hit me like a ton of … not bricks… not violent… maybe a ton of feathers… that LIFTED me above it all.
I AM NO LONGER THAT WOMAN.
To be clear, Aly said the same thing and pointed out that it was time to let go of those stories… and yes, what she said mattered – A LOT. It caused me to dig deeper after our appointment and it was then, as I was writing afterward, that it all clicked.
SO, guess what? I’m not telling those stories in the same ways anymore. Of course, they are a part of my history and there will be times that I tell them… but not as a victim of them… I don’t need to justify or defend or anything else.
Okay, now about the part that will affect you guys – as well as me. I have decided to go ahead with my hand surgery… thanks to discussing it with Aly! We made a plan and I followed up immediately.
After we logged off, I went to the surgeon’s office and there was a cancellation for Monday. Tell me that isn’t synchronicity! Then I went to unemployment (at Aly’s urging) and found out I can be compensated while I’m recuperating. I had no idea! That’s the main reason I was so jazzed when the surgeon originally gave me a choice of whether or not to go ahead. Wowsers!
So, I may schedule some posts and photos, do videos or skip days here and there but will do my best to keep up on the haps here.
Wish me luck!
And… an official thank you to Aly for your compassion and expertise, which I felt clear and strong over at my house and in my heart.
And yes, I will be checking in with Aly from time to time… I figure once a month at first. And I can’t wait to see where our discussions take me next!
If you’re interested in what Aly does, please visit her website: Aly Brousseau’s website