It’s a VERY stormy day today! The winds are so strong it feels as if the house will blow down.
We’ve been so lucky over the last two weeks with mild, sunny weather. Today, it’s turned.
The sunlight has been illuminating. Look at the lovely lighthouse, it says. The next day, See the nearly-naked tree. But in the shadows, there are secrets. See them back there?
And then, the weather turns. Only a spot of sunshine is visible…
… until …
There is no sunshine. There’s a blanket hanging in the sky and it’s heavy. Like my featured photo.
Also, it reminds me of the weighted blanket that was supposed to help me sleep better. Except, did you know they’re different weights? I didn’t. I may have mentioned this before and if so, indulge me, please. The blanket I got is HEAVY. I still have that frozen shoulder and it’s so heavy I can’t lift it over that side of me. Having the thing ball up behind me kinda defeats the purpose. It feels like we have a third person built from sand between us in bed. Ugh. So, be careful with the weights. But I digress.
When I get to the dark places, I find myself gravitating toward dark, haunted books, like this one:
I feel like I am in the car with our protagonist, Eleanor. I am escaping and hiding from the abuses of life – and at the same time – rushing headlong into danger. Worst part? She (and I) know it. We know it and we do it anyway. <<< Story of my life.
For the first time in a long time, I had some stuff going on that I didn’t write about.
The last two weeks have been emotionally up and down and by that I mean… gloriously up and devastatingly down.
Of course, my body is still adjusting to the lack of depression/ anxiety meds. It’s the foundation for everything, I think. I should go back on them, I tell my husband. He encourages me to continue the course. Really give it a chance.
But I’m cranky. Pissy. Angry. Hurting.
Did I tell you our landlord finally decided to fix our upstairs toilet and floor? Finally, the Dateline floor has been replaced (There were orangey-red water stains that looked like splattered blood). But there were problems and issues – of course – and so, it was two days of a full-on nightmare. And, while it looks better – for sure – there are still some problems. Possibly because the guy he hired – nice guy – but not necessarily able to do the job as professionally as he would have liked for reasons I won’t get into here.
My phone has been giving me trouble for three months. It wouldn’t call my parents or my adult children in the States. In fact, after months of arguing with the carrier, they finally sent me a new Sim card, which was nearly impossible to get into the phone. The whole process was also – as I kept saying to my poor husband – a nightmare. He literally cut his finger trying to get the minuscule drawer opened on the side of my phone and actually bled all over everything. I was freaking out. Super helpful, all.
But in the realm of life, I guess… that’s all just regular annoying stuff. Big whoop. Get over yerself. First-world problems and all that jazz.
An oncologist called my daughter, the one who has already survived cancer. How they got her chart is a long story but there was nothing nefarious about it. The point is… they want to speak to her in person. To take tests.
THEY CALLED HER. Can you imagine how you’d feel if out of the (relative) blue, an oncologist called and said they think you might have cancer? Picture it. No, don’t. It’s horrifying.
So, for about 10 days, it may be a blood cancer. The symptoms say so. The tests taken several months ago say so. She says so. It all makes so much sense. She’s been sick for so long!
I could take you into the pit I visited… the moment after I hung up the phone from that conversation… walked to the edge of the abyss and stepped in.
The path is worn well. I go there a few times a year. It’s one of those “alone” places.
It’s a place where I can’t do anything to help my daughter.
Nothing but pray. I do that. In tears. Alone, in the dark.
What will a diagnosis like this mean for her and for my son, her brother, who lives with her?
And then, there’s always – always – that realization that choices made years ago, make all the difference today. Promises made and kept. Sacrifices, too.
Is there anything worse than mama guilt? I defy you to name one thing.
But then!!! The clouds break! Not cancer! Then what is it? That is still up in the air. In a way, no different than it’s been over the last four decades. This, I can deal with. It’s amazing how you can normalize things that would send most people to their knees. <<< Of course, I’ve been there, too.
The emotional clouds lifted, yes, and even the weather cooperated. I got outside! I felt better! I remember thinking to myself… I’m better! Except, I’m not. I mean, of course, my daughter’s situation made me feel WAY BETTER! The floor was done. My phone was repaired. Finally. All good things!
Then Alex Trebek died and honest-to-God, I cried like he was my brother. It broke my heart.
After sharing a recent blog post on Facebook, a friend said, “I thought you were better. You seemed happier,” and I had to respond with my little speech about sadness vs. depression. And then, there’s Situational Depression, which is really a thing. That’s when you get depressed about things like divorce, or your dad being diagnosed with dementia… or your daughter being called by an oncologist. Or maybe, I think, I am over-thinking the whole damned thing and this is just LIFE.
So yeah, I’m always as honest as I can possibly be here, among my friends and readers. I hope what I share helps someone feel less alone in their struggle. If it’s YOU, please let me know!