Bio Moment – Self Portrait, if I were a butterfly

Today I sat down to draw a butterfly. But let me begin at the beginning.

Beginning.

Ah yes, butterflies and new beginnings. So perfect. Yes?

I’ve always loved butterflies. I mean, who doesn’t? Is there someone (anyone?) out there who HATES, LOATHES AND DESPISES butterflies? I think not. Ha!

Anyhow, I love them. During my many forays into message board life in early internet days, I named myself “new beginning” because … well… that’s what I was looking for… a new beginning. I’m nothing if not authentic at all times. More on this later.

Funny though, I’d kinda forgotten about my love of butterflies. That is, until two things happened this week.

My mom sent a card and my friend Kaden sent jewelry. Both were butterflies.

The gifts reminded me that I love butterflies and most of all, the whole metamorphosis thingy. You know, going into a cocoon and coming out something completely different. Starting anew. So much promise!

I wondered out loud to my mother why I had chosen trees instead of butterflies for my logo? How did I “forget” this thing about myself?

Anyhow, we talked about it for a bit and afterwards, I was thinking about how to incorporate some into the logo. Mom suggested letting them flutter around the edges of the blog, which I love. Still figuring it all out. They certainly do fit in with self-help and wanting to grow and be in touch with earth. Right? Right.

Then, I thought about how I used to draw and color with pencils… and today I said to myself…

I’m gonna draw a butterfly!

And actually, the drawing itself went through a bit of a metamorphosis itself! In the end, it became a self portrait of me, as a butterfly. I won’t be using it here but it was a fun start to getting back to drawing and coloring, which I find peaceful, calming and the ultimate self-help. But I digress.

Here is today’s offering:

Here’s the thing: Fifteen years ago, I did the same thing. I’d forgotten about it until I began feeling that familiar tug… as I was drawing today. After I finished today’s drawing, I went and got the earlier one, from 2005. Here it is:

At the time, I took it into my therapist, Amy, who asked a few questions.

Why no face?

Why is the flower closed? Even more to the point, why is it so tightly closed?

I didn’t know the answers to any of her questions. That happened a lot.

Also, to be honest, it didn’t look like me … bodily. (I haven’t been that thin since 1980 – and then it was for a very short time.) Why not, Amy asked?

All good questions. None could be answered back then.

Perhaps they can be answered today.

I have given it all a lot of thought this afternoon. Isn’t it interesting that both times, I included a flower. Today, look at it… fully open and I’m sitting right on it!

I am not the same woman I was fifteen years ago, obviously.

At the time of my first drawing, I was in my mid-forties, still banking on my talents, charm and sex appeal. The world – my personal world – was just about to change for the better (working full time after not being able to work for years because of immigration issues) and then for the worse (my son’s suicide attempt)… and then for the way worse (not in quality, in quantity. Enter 2014.)

But that first drawing was before all that. But after some stuff, too. After 2000, the year I gave up everything I knew and loved to come to Canada. Life was far from easy from the very first moment I stepped foot in Toronto. But I digress. Again.

First drawing… flower, tightly closed. Me, lean and graceful. A butterfly. But not really. Looking up, ever up.

Second drawing… flower, fully open and comfy for sitting, even for an old gal who has learned to live in her fat body and heck, even love it a little. I’m meditating or praying. Doesn’t matter which.

Both of them butterflies, out of the cocoon. Both of them in purple – the color of royalty. Goddesses? Maybe. Probably.

So yeah, this is what women who think too much do on rainy afternoons. What did you do today?

PS: I LOVE BOTH DRAWINGS but I’m kinda loving the second one most of all.

PSS: I’m still not taking the depression meds. It’s been about three months now, I think. Here, smack in the middle of the dark months, and I’m not depressed! That’s something! Just wanted to share. 🙂

4 comments

  1. Let’s get real here girlfriend. Today’s self-portrait is proof of your conquest in the Battle Royale of self-awareness, heart and life. Though there are moments of panic and second guessing, you are now in a safe place of support and love with the freedom to be YOU. And you know YOU, the inner you, the ID, cognizant of your inner beauty, giving yourself the emotional attention needed and smiling that smile that lights the room. That REAL smile.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG, Sherry . . . I love, love, love your second self-portrait! While visually lovely, the first one feels idealized and self-limiting (with or without a face), while the second one radiates the authenticity and charm of a woman who’s comfortable in her own skin. For me, it is more endearing than the first could ever be. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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