Bio Moment – Who do you think you’re fooling?

Last night, in that space between awake and asleep, I thought of this phrase…

Who do you think you’re fooling?

And I heard a voice…

You’re not special.

You never were.

You know some stuff, sure.

But who cares?

You spill your guts

Onto paper and screen.

Nobody to clean it up.

And, who’d want to?

Teach what you know.

By the way, what is that?

How to fool the masses

or the few?

You’re nothing special

You never were.

Face the truth.

Nothing. Never were.

As recited by the little voice in my head at midnight

And so, this is the voice I fell asleep to, whispering in my ear.

It was the first thing I thought of when I awoke. Must be important, I thought to myself.

Friends and readers… this is … what? Mental illness? Depression? Reality? Is it a response to something that happened yesterday? Or is it what I think? What I’ve always thought?

Let’s begin with yesterday…

I had an interesting discussion with my son. He’s 36 and autistic. His neurological disabilities are significant and he is on SSI. Also, he is whip-smart, thoughtful (not to be confused with solicitous or affectionate – he is neither, a function of his disability). He is also a truth-teller.

We used to talk every day on the phone. Now, we’ve gotten into a steady once or twice a week. I’ve always let him dictate what’s best for him. We usually play games over the phone but sometimes, we talk about serious subjects.

Yesterday, in the middle of a rousing conversation about self-awareness (initiated by him!) I mentioned my blog, which he doesn’t read. He said something like this: Why do people who are messed up get into fields trying to help others? Why would I believe you have any answers? They haven’t helped you!

Ah, well. Ouch.

When he was younger and would say things like this, I would cave into myself. I would guess that for most parents, their child’s criticisms wound deeply.

Once I understood autism (and specifically his autism) I learned to let his (sometimes) unkind words slide off like teflon – at first. I’d go back to them later, when it didn’t sting so much.

Yesterday, I said something immediately because I believed I wasn’t stung. I said, “You don’t have to insult me because you don’t want to read my blog.”

He said, “But it’s true. None of those therapists helped me. They didn’t even realize what was wrong!”

“I understand why you say that,” I said. “All I can say is that people who are hurting want to keep others from hurting. That’s why I have my blog. I want to help people and also help myself. Nobody has all the answers.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he said. “Let’s get back to what we were doing before.”

And on we went on our merry way(s).

Until midnight, obviously.

Who do you think you’re fooling?

What was I thinking about right before that moment? It was an amalgamation of things:

  • My back and knees are hurting. Sciatica. Obesity.
  • My skin doesn’t have its usual glow. It used to glow. Now I’m matte. With spots.
  • My hair is a straggly mess. I want to grow it but don’t want to look like The CryptKeeper. It’s already there. See featured photo.
  • My nails are bitten to the quick. Pretty. Anxiety much?
  • My blog still isn’t viral after three years. I’ve written 2-3 novels worth of content. Not that I really expected it. Did I?
  • My this and my that and my everything because I’m obviously a raging narcicist. Yay, me!

All these things were swirling through my mind.

And then…

Who do you think you’re fooling?

Indeed, voice in my head. Indeed. Who DO I think I’m fooling?

The line can form behind me. You can’t see me but I’m pointing my thumb back over my shoulder. Get in line, folks. Get in line.

I don’t know what any of this means except that I need to take better physical care of myself. That much is clear.

Emotionally? I’m as honest and authentic as I can be. This blog is nothing if not a peek inside my head at any given moment. Sometimes, it’s frightening. Even for me.

*sigh*

I never claimed to have all the answers and never will. Most days, I’m a student, right next to y’all. Walking the path with you, not in front.

It all comes down to that blasted self-confidence, me thinks. I lack confidence. Ugh. That ol’ thing.

I wish I had a magic pill that would make it all make sense. Until then, I’m just gonna keep on keepin’ on.

If you have any thoughts or ideas, lay ’em on me. I can use a good word!

PS: This song is also now in my head. Ear worms for everyone!

Loves Me Like a Rock by Paul Simon

Lyrics:

When I was a little boy
And the Devil would call my name
I’d say, “Now who do . . .
Who do you think you’re fooling?”

I’m a consecrated boy
Singer in a Sunday choir
Oh, my mama loves me, she loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Oh, she loves me like a rock
She rock me like the rock of ages
And she loves me
She love me, love me, love me, love me

When I was grown to be a man
And the Devil would call my name
I’d say “now who do . . .
Who do you think you’re fooling?”

I’m a consummated man
I can snatch a little purity
My mama loves me, she loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Oh, she loves me like a rock
She rock me like the rock of ages
And loves me
She love me, love me, love me, love me

If I was President
And the Congress called my name
I’d say “now who do . . .
Who do you think you’re fooling?”

I’ve got the presidential seal
I’m up on the presidential podium
My mama loves me, she loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
And she loves me like a rock
She rock me like the rock of ages
And love me
She love me, love me, love me, love me
She love me, love me, love me, love me
She love me, love me, love me, love me

© 1973 Words and Music by Paul Simon

5 Comments

  1. Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re SOOPER special, and right here’s one person who’d be much more of a hurting unit without you, so there 😌

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When you feel this way, think about all of the people who love you, even the ones that sometimes make things harder.

    Liked by 1 person

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