“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” -John Lennon
Yesterday, I placed a photo of dad in front of me and shuffled my Tarot cards. “Not those,” I heard. “We need something simple.” I put the Tarot away and got out my Rominy cards instead. Okay Dad, do you have a message for me? I asked. I shuffled the deck several times, then cut it. I turned over the top card. Not a word of a lie… this is the card:
I didn’t need the accompanying book to interpret the meaning. But as you might imagine, the book speaks of emotion vs. intellect, the heart chakra, all kinds of love and nurturing, and listening to the God of our heart. It asks, “Who will I love today?”
Later, I had a dream that a beautiful, big dog came running up to my car… smiling and friendly, healthy and strong! He was away from home but not lost… I felt those words in my chest. I worried he could get hit by a car and thought, I need to get that dog in the car! I tried to open the door but at that very moment, the car started drifting forward. Also, I suddenly realized, I was in the back seat and no one was driving. Well, someone was… but they were invisible to me. I clambered to climb in front, to reach the wheel and pedals, but couldn’t.
Hearts and “Away from home but not lost”…
I’m guessing my head is finding gentle ways to begin to deal with the loss of a great man.
Oh, I know my dad is not the first to go… nor the last. How is it that it feels as if he is? Like, you can’t possibly understand, all you people out there who didn’t know him. He was special!
To each of us, our people feel special. One of a kind. Ours.
I have spent a great of time on this blog talking about loss and grieving. I know the score. I’ve done the work as I navigated the losses of my beloved grandmother, a lifelong friend, and my ex-husband.
But it always comes back to this:
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to. ― Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler
And these are, of course, early days.
Something else crosses my mind, as well, and I know my dad would agree. Mourn yes, of course, but also LIVE.
It’s one of those gorgeous late winter days of bits of snow on the ground, blue skies and clouds drifting over our heads.
We FINALLY got out of lockdown and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we can now move through the phases and get back to something that resembles normal. Dad’s Celebration of Life will be in May and I want to be there!
Dad would say it’s a little cold… and it is. He’d tell me how beautiful the featured photo is… he was my biggest fan, right there with my precious mother. He’d say it’s okay to cry but don’t stop there for long. He’d hold my face in his hands, as he did at my grandmother’s funeral, and say, “You can do this.”
And I can. I will.