This won’t be a long or profound post. I’m headed off to work in a half-hour and just want to check in.
I’ve noticed that this year, I have dipped my toe in the depression pool but haven’t fallen in.
THIS IS NEW. THIS IS GOOD!!!
The featured photo is me, year after year, in the dark winter months. The words follow me… so-much-so that I’ve had the picture for years. I might have even used it here. Or maybe not.
I pulled it out of the photo archives this year. For you. To show you the face of someone who always felt the anvil around her neck. Smiling, yes. But dying on the inside. Looking normal, if there is such a thing.
Always worse in the dark months.
Not this year. You think, perhaps, that I speak too soon?
No, the dark months aren’t over and there’s plenty of time for me to … uh… lose my shit … or some such thing.
But, so far…
All is good. Mostly.
I still love my job but the hours are still tough. That will change once I get into my regular hours, in the third week of January. It will be a time of transition, still, as I will move into consistently later hours. No 9-5 for me, at least not this year. But I get one day of the weekend, as I’ll have Friday-Saturday off. <<< Not everyone gets that. You gotta have give-and-take, right? Count your blessings.
Christmas was difficult, as it always is, away from my family, especially this year, with Dad gone. Mom was one day away from being socked in with snow and had a friend over for conversation and company. Then, it was snow, snow, and more snow. She’s mostly kept her power on, thank God! We’ve been texting and talking every day. Technology rocks in this way!! I could not have lived through this time of grieving without it!
My kids are all struggling in one way or another. This is nothing new. But it never stops hurting, does it, moms and dads? No matter how old they are – even 30, 40, and beyond – they bring us joy and/or break our hearts.
My precious grandson is growing up… and I haven’t hugged him since he was 4. He is beautiful and kind… and a handful for my daughter and her husband.
And, OMG, I am so very sick of everything-pandemic.
All of the above, of course, is happening to pretty-much everyone. There is no special sadness that surrounds me. I don’t feel like I should crawl into a hole or hide in bed.
A few days ago, the day after my booster shot, I kinda felt like crying. No reason. Except it’s this time of year. I felt it, told myself I could cry if I wanted, and went on with my day.
So yeah, took that little dip… and now I’m okay.
It’s the time of year I usually fall into a deep depression.
This year feels better.
Not gonna complain.
How are you?