Today is an “Easy Like Sunday” kind of day.
What does that mean?
First, love the song by… uh… who was that? The Commodores? Don’t feel like looking it up or linking it. Why? Because it’s a day devoid of the usual research and links. (Hence, the “Easy” part).
“Easy Like Sunday” posts usually end up sounding kinda like “Bio Moments” but not exactly. (Hence, the “Like”).
And, der, it’s a Sunday. (Hence, the “Sunday”).
Bottom line, I just kinda go with my gut and write whatever I feel like writing… and I don’t back it up with anything of the scholarly variety. Or any variety, for that matter!
In short, this is me, doin’ what I want.
So, with that preamble…
Back when the internet was shiny and new, I would write volumes in the middle of the night on a message board dedicated to saving marriages. I couldn’t sleep, you see, and my desire to write and have witnesses was strong.
It was a lonely existence, there in the middle of the night. All the lights in the house were off and my family was asleep. Me? My eyes stung with tears and my face was aglow in the reflection of the desktop computer that took up the entire kitchen table. Who needed to eat together, anyway? Not us. Our little family was in the midst of total breakdown.
I don’t think of those times often or fondly. But last night, for the first time in a long time, I had that old desire to get up and write. It was 2:45 am.
I didn’t do it because it’s not a habit I want to cultivate. In fact, I found myself questioning why I felt that way at all.
Here is a list of the things that were bothering me in the wee small hours of this morning:
- This past week was the first anniversary of Dad’s death and I was (once again) not with my family, which brings up all sorts of muck that should have already sifted through the sieve. It isn’t just about Dad, either. It’s my entire family, those who have passed on and are still here. I haven’t seen any of them in years. My grandson and my mother are particularly difficult to have not seen through the pandemic. Yes, we’re now back to some semblance of normal for flying, but not really, when you’re flying from one country to another. Plus, I just got this job and have to plan vacation time from the bottom of the seniority ladder.
- Still healing from my fall three weeks ago today. Things are actually *much* better this weekend but there’s still an underlying and significant ouchie under there.
- This weather is a fustercluck of snow and I’m frankly sick of it. <<< Language like this isn’t helpful. “Sick of it” creates sickness, ya know. Not to mention my old friend the f-word. I know I’m mad when it comes out to play!
- My son and I had a difficult conversation yesterday, where he lamented over why his dad and I had children when we were so young and – his words, softened for my audience – “effed up”. My son suffers from neurological, emotional and physical disabilities and trauma – and has since birth. All I could say is that we loved each other and never expected our lives – or theirs – to turn out how they have. We thought we’d be together and healthy forever. *sigh* It’s not like we haven’t had this conversation before but for some reason it hit me hard in “the feels”.
- I tried going off all meds again (the correct way – by weaning off. Don’t worry!) except what I need for asthma and blood pressure. As the days wore on, I turned into an irritable snot and it even bled into my work habits, which isn’t good when you’re in a customer service field. I am thinking of one interaction in particular. In my defence, the customer was a bully who manipulated through the use of her tiny saccharin voice. <gag!> Give me a loudmouth, flat-out b-word any day! At least you know what you’re dealing with! But I digress…
- My husband went through the same thing when he tried going off last year. He made it 9 months before he agreed he really needed to take it. I’d agreed much earlier. LOL As much as he “deserves” to live with 9 months of snappy-pants right back at him, it didn’t feel good. Also, kidding on the “deserves” which is why I put it in quotes. Neither of us deserves it, which is why I decided I need to quit “trying to quit” and take the darned things. It’s a very low dose and at least for now, we’re both stuck w/ it. A serene Mr & Mrs Hutton are much easier to deal with — going both ways.
- Last night, I found out that my younger daughter and one of my closest long-time friends were having issues writing to me on messenger – I appeared to have blocked them somehow, or at least, blocked myself from them, or them from me, it was all getting so confusing.
- I have been trying to get off Facebook entirely and because of sticky problems like the one above, kept going back to try and get seen on messenger because it’s the best way to call the two people mentioned above, especially my daughter, who has horrible cell service that cuts out aaalll the ding-dong time!
- AIso, I was having sinc-ing problems between my devices, which was creating another stupid technology issue – and you don’t want to know me when I’m having technology issues. (Cue The Incredible Hulk). They’re NOT resolved. Neither is #4. I’ll try to work on all of it tomorrow.
- I tried a new mask thingy for my poor hands, which look more like they’re encased in Velcro than skin. They are SO DRY. Don’t even ask me about my feet. Or my face. But I digress. Again. It was pricey and stinky. Good stinky but overpowering, especially when you have issues with allergies, asthma and migraine. I was one-stop away from the mother of all reactions. First world problems, I know.
- Wars, and rumours of wars. We certainly can’t forget that!
So, that about sums up what was going on. Lots of stuff in that head o’ mine.
I tried to relax. My heart and my head were spinning with anxious thoughts. I spooked myself with shadows on the wall. I prayed… and it was then that I fell asleep. Thankful for small mercies.
In the end, what does any of it mean?
Honestly? Not much.
Dad is still gone, along with some other significant people.
My children suffer in various ways, as do my husband and I.
My devises do what they need to do, for the most part, though not together. It’ll get fixed. Or not. Not the end of the world.
I’ll be figuring out the messaging issue. Same verse same as the first. Or at least, the last thing I said up there ^^^.
My hands are softer and smell like an essential oil market. It’ll fade.
And my head will start coming back to earth … at least I hope so!
PS: The featured photo reminds me of a dream. Isn’t it neat? I just felt like sharing!