This morning, I cried.
And not pretty, weepy, dab with a tissue crying.
BIG, UGLY TEARS & GULPING BREATHS… My voice was crackly and raspy.
“I’m an idiot!”
“I knew better!”
“How did we get here? No, don’t answer that. I already know. It was ME.”
“I miss Ruby!!”
“I miss my dad!!!”
“I miss my kids!!!!”
“F (but with the word in its entirety) the world, I wanna get off!!!!!”
And then I crumbled in a chair and sobbed.
When I looked up, my husband sat across from me with tenderness in his eyes… and a little fear.
“It’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay,” he said.
I know he’s right.
It’s the GETTING THERE that’s rough. Know what I mean?
It doesn’t matter what happened that got me to this point. I say that sincerely. If you’ve come with popcorn, eagerly awaiting “the tea” (as the kids say – oh, what? They don’t say that anymore? Nevermind) you will be disappointed.
All I knew was that I felt rotten, overwhelmed, disappointed, and really angry. At myself, most of all.
I had a good cry, then I stepped back (emotionally) and thought about some things, which in truth I have been doing for the last several weeks anyway… as I’ve taken deep dives into some subjects I’ve visited before… like family dynamics, toxic friendships and listening to self. Not that I never ‘went there’ before now… it’s just that this time, it’s been different.
(If interested, I’ve talked a bit about the process in this post.)
I said to my husband, “I feel like a cannonball blew through my gut”.
It’s as if…
Things I thought were true… simply… were NOT.
And possibly worse yet, SOME WERE.
And that’s all I’ll say about… that. In reality, it’s just a cog in the wheel anyway.
Yesterday, I read some words by a dear friend that made me catch my breath in recognition. She was talking about a scary situation in her life that triggered a severe (and understandable) PTSD response. As I read, I felt myself shaking, too. Some of it was very much like my own past experiences and anxieties… and her response to it resonated deeply, as well.
Somehow – but not surprisingly – the conversation turned to how women are viewed and treated by some men (too many, being honest).
Once again, I could relate, as nearly all women understand only too well.
(Note: But make no mistake, being young is no guarantee of safety. It just means you may be able to run faster or kick harder… not that it matters to the thousands of women killed by men each year (Globally 81,000 women and girls were killed in 2020 – Link)).
Of course, there is also the matter of the recent Supreme Court decision and the can of worms THAT has opened…
I think it all just caught up with me.
I am proud of myself for not allowing the meltdown to send me to bed for the day.
I worked from beginning to end on some projects in the house… lots of “does this bring me joy?” purging going on!
I also made a little corner to grieve and honor Ruby. I suspect it won’t be up long but it feels right at this moment…
(Little PS: I guess you’d need to know that in Canada, the plate doesn’t go with the vehicle like it does in the States. Just one of those little differences.)
So, yeah, I had a very sad and difficult morning… but pulled myself together to have a VERY productive day! Dusted, vacuumed, changed sheets, and cleaned out all my drawers and spaces in our bedroom and “the library” (2nd bedroom). Even drove bags to the thrift store already! Took me all day to do it all, too!
Hubby has been busy (all day) with his own project – and if it doesn’t kill him, we’ll soon have a new TV stand with a fireplace in the middle. Fake fire, of course, but beautiful, peaceful, and warm. And built with love – and a lot of cursing! LOL
Days like this come… hopefully not often.
I do not want to ignore or push aside the feelings… or hide from embarrassment. I hope I’m learning how to feel the feels and move forward. THAT is my goal.
And ya know… it is also… SELF-HELP.
Ever onward, friends and readers!